Friday, March 27, 2009

Home show

There is a huge home show coming up in Rapid City this weekend, which got me to thinking about our house and the adorable upgrades that we have made *wink, wink*. So, I decided to take my peeps on a little tour of our house. Here we go...

Come in, my friends, through the laundry room door since the front screen door was a victim to the wind several months ago and refuses to open. Try not to fall vicitim yourself to the booby trap of shoes that we have set in front of the door and enter the dining room/kitchen. Pick your way through the minefield of Cheerios super-glued to the floor by chocolate milk on my floor that was just swept and mopped and be sure to check out the mountain of to-be-filed (someday) paperwork and miscellaneous magazines and newsletters that have yet to be read. Don't be alarmed by the smell. It's just the trash that needs to go out, or it could be the dishes in the sink from yesterday that wouldn't fit in the dishwasher, or maybe it's the dirty diaper pail, or it could be the dogs. Whatever, we can't smell it anyway since we live in it. On your right is the living room where no one lives but the laundry. Need a clean pair of undies? Go no further than the chair, folks. It's the perfect place for all your laundry needs. At times it is known to eat children, but they usually find their way out eventually. Darn. There might be a remote control somewhere in this room, but it hasn't been seen in ages. The thing that I always see in this room is the mysterious smear that has recently appeared on my curtains. It's origin and DNA have not been proven as of yet. It looks a lot like dried snot, but there's no telling. A lot of things look like dried snot. Now, let's venture further toward the back of the house. Through the hall of horrors, aka the portrait gallery, filled with a dizzying array of dollar store frames sporting photos of Vince's family. Note the absence of pictures of my side of the family tree. We take pictures, we just never have them printed or framed. Then we will look to our left and see the bathroom, which was once a source of much frustration and is now...a source of much frustration. I call it the bathroom of wonder because I wonder when I will ever be able to use it by myself. Maybe when the kids go off to college? We can only guess. Now, it gets really scary. Sam's room/guest room/Vince's man room/storage is directly across from the bathroom where at any time of the night while Sam is asleep, you can turn on the bathroom light (the loudest light switch in the world) "CLICK" and wake him up. It's best to just pee in the dark, but try not to stub your toe on the bathroom stool that sneaks out from it's hidey hole in the middle of the night to find a place directly in your path. When you bounce it off of the cabinet "BANG" then jump up and down cursing "%*%$$@#&^$" and holding your foot in your hand only to fall against the glass shower door "PING", please try not to wake the baby. Then it's on to the other bedrooms. Take a right and wander in to the girl's bedroom which looks more and more like a toy store every day. Except messier. If you can see the floor, you may enter, but don't look too closely at the marker stains in the carpet. Turn around and enter into the Master's domain. You can tell it's his room because he has taken special care to mark his territory, as evidenced by the men's clothing, shoes, camo this and that, the SWAT and Counter-Terrorist magazines and the legions of patches, hats, shirts, bags, pins, challenge coins, etc. that are collected by my husband laying all around. Also, a laundry bomb has apparently gone off in our room. So, for clean clothes, hit the LR chair, but for dirty ones, check out our room. I can't tell if there's a hamper in there or not. I know we have one somewhere. But if you're looking for dirty underwear, don't look anywhere near where the hamper should be because somehow it never makes it that far. That's what you had to step over to get into the room. Don't mind the dust in here. When people come over, we just shove everything in here and close the door. It hasn't been cleaned since, well I don't know when. And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes our tour. I hope you have enjoyed your foray into the Sidders's house. Come back any time. We enjoy having people over. It gives us the excuse and motivation to clean our house and hide all the stuff I have just described. If you come over unexpectedly, at least now you know what you're up against.

1 comment:

Erin said...

Ha! Nicole, you kill me...and may I say, that sounds pretty close to the description of my place!