Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Murphy's Law

I mopped the floor yesterday. Naturally this morning Katie dumped half a gallon of orange juice on it. Why? Why do I bother to mop? Because I know that within 12 hours of cleaning my floors someone will spill something. And not just something easy to clean up. I'm talking the stickiest, messiest something you can think of. Like orange juice. I never knew how sticky it could be. It's Murhpy's Law. Right? Here's another one that always gets me. Whenever I bring along 4 diapers for Sam I never need them. On the days when I forget to replenish my diaper caddy or forget to bring the caddy altogether, THAT'S when Sam explodes over and over again. Or I have no extra clothes and he leaks everywhere. One day I went up to our local Runner's Shop to grab some stuff. It was freezing outside. I picked Sam up from his car seat and he had pooped and leaked all over his clothes. Of course, this is one of those times that I didn't pack a lot of stuff because I was just popping out for a few minutes. I searched the car for something to cover him with. Nothing. I took him in and changed his diaper on the floor in the women's room. His pants were a definite no-go. Ruined. The only thing I could find to cover his legs were these light green froggy legwarmers. I bought them because you know when you pick up your little one and hold them and their pants legs ride up? There is quite a bit of exposed skin there and I thought that these legwarmers would help cover that up. Vince banned me from ever letting Sam wear them in public. I thought they were cute, but whatever. Anyway, Sam had those on with his socks and shoes, a diaper and his coat. Admittedly, he looked pretty funny. At least he was covered up. And we didn't tell Daddy.

So, today we started Vacation Bible School. I work in the nursery. Everything went really well and I was feeling good and decided to carry on being productive around the house. I had, I don't know, 4 loads of laundry just staring at me daring me to actually fold and-GASP!-put it away. It's been there for the better part of 2 weeks now. I've been meaning to do it. Really, I have. Well, today I did it. My husband will be shocked that he doesn't have to move a pile of clothes just to sit on the couch. So. That got me thinking about the ginormous, multiplying mound of dirty laundry in our bedroom. What the Hell? Let's wash some clothes too! I know, right? 2 chores in one day-what is this world coming to? I washed a load and since it was such a hot, cloudless summer day I decided to hang it on the line. I love that outdoor smell on my clothes when I try to stuff my legs into a stiff pair of pants that have apparently been washed in Modge Podge. Why does that happen? Anyhoo, I was on a roll so I stuck another load in the wash. I headed for the living room to continue folding and it's dark outside. What? It's 3:00 in the afternoon! Out of friggin' nowhere a giant storm cloud has come together just above my house. Seriously?! My clothes have been on the line about 10 minutes and when I hung them up, there was not a cloud in sight. Murphy's Law I tell ya.

Is everyone still here or have you all passed out from the shock of hearing that I did some housework today? Don't get excited because it still looks a mess. I promise. I wouldn't want to let down my fans and have my house too clean. A housekeeper I'm not. But if you need an expert in Murphy's Law, I'm your gal.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

How is my husband still alive?

I say this because he has got to be one of the MOST. INATTENTIVE. DRIVERS. EVER. I would have already met my end in a fiery ball of twisted metal if I drove like he does. I told him yesterday that God must have some very special plans for him! Seriously, I'm not saying this just because I am a seriously nervous passenger. It would be funny if it weren't so life threatening. Yesterday for instance, he's talking, talking, talking, and I'm thinking "should have turned there". "or there". "I guess he's going to the next light". "nope". "maybe the next". "where's he going?" See, he's not paying attention because he's talking to me. And he's driving about 10 miles an hour. Because he's talking. See a pattern? Then, at the last possible second he realizes that he needs to turn here and whips over into the next lane without even looking. Luckily that time there was not a car already occupying that lane. So, he's sitting halfway in the turn lane and halfway in the other lane. Then, the light turns green and he starts turning. Except he's drifting into the other turn lane like the little dotted lines are there for his amusement only. He just does not pay attention. It drives me insane! Especially because this man drives pretty much all day long for his job. One snowy winter day-I'm not making this up-I was talking to him on the phone and he says to me in a calm voice, "Oh, hang on a second. I'm sliding sideways into oncoming traffic." And he sets the phone down slowly. I'm panicking from the safety of my warm house thinking I'm about to hear my husband crash and possibly be seriously injured over the phone. I don't hear a thing. And then, "Okay, I'm back. What was I saying?" WHAT??!! Just one cotton-picking minute, Mister! What just happened? This is what he would have heard had the situation be reversed, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..." I'm not doubting his skills, because obviously he can handle when things go sideways (literally), but why was he in that situation to begin with? I repeat-not paying attention. But I'm usually not allowed to say anything lest we hurt his manly driving feelings. Forget about the safety of the children. We should be more concerned about the safety of his ego. Except for yesterday when he hit the curb. I HAD to make fun of him for that.

Now, I admit that I'm not the most, um, agreeable passenger. I get extremely nervous over there on the right, especially if it's raining or snowing. I can't watch the road or I would give myself ulcers. And most of you know that I'm usually not the kind of person who stresses or worries. At the level of flakiness that I have achieved, I forget to be angry or worried. I move on. I'm not saying it's a good thing, just how it is. It really annoys me when I'm trying to be mad at Vince and really show him how mad I am. I make all these plans like I'm not gonna talk to him or serve him his supper. Then by the time he gets home I've forgotten that I was gonna be angry! ARRGH!! Later on I'll remember, but by then it's too late. I've already been nice to him. Dangit! Anyway, I got off the subject. So, if I don't look at the road I can take my mind off of the fact that the conditions are terrible and I'm not in control of my fate and not stress out too much. Viola! It's probably a really good thing that he has had all that driving training because without it I think I might be telling a different story.

Anyway, I have two extra kids today and they are all hungry so I supposed I should go cook some lunch. The trick is finding something that they will all eat. Macaroni and cheese to the rescue!