Oh, Facebook.

You all know how much I love Facebook, right? My husband complains that I'm ALWAYS on my phone. Usually I'm deeply entrenched in Facebook just in case I miss what everyone had for dinner or what the weather was like 20 miles from me. The truth is, I'm just really, really, really nosy. I can't help it. I like to know what other people are doing, no matter how banal it is. And we all have THOSE friends on Facebook. You know the ones. They are so annoying, but you can't bring yourself to delete them because they are fun to roll your eyes at. Or, if you're like me, you are afraid of upsetting them. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Especially not someone that I have only met once in person-10 years ago. Here are some of my favorite offenders:

1. THE SEX-POT: This is the friend who thinks way more of themselves than anyone else does. You go, girl! This friend constantly posts selfies to the point that if I haven't seen a photo of their abs, ass, or boobs in 48 hours I start to worry if they're lying in a ditch somewhere.

2. THE SILENT STALKER: The friend you forgot about who randomly pops up to scare the shit out of you. As in, holy crap, I forgot you were on Facebook! They creep around people's profiles just to check in, but never post status updates or comment on others' updates. Then one day-BAM!-there they are. My husband is much like this. He only comments (not online, mind you, but when we get home from work) when he thinks I have posted something stupid. Which is almost daily. His FB friends will message me to ask what he's been up to and to tell me that they are trying to send him something and he won't respond. Sorry, people. I can lead a man to Facebook, but I can't make him post.

3. THE VAGUE-BOOKER: Good Lord, these friends drive me crazy! If you don't want people to know what's going on, then don't post "UGH! Some people!" (Who? Friend or family? Stranger? Babby daddy again? Who, dammit!) or "Please pray for me. I can't say why or for how long. Just pray." (For what?! Are you dying or should I just be asking God for you to win the lotto? And in that case, are you gonna share if I help you win?) If you're not going to post all the details don't post at all.

4. THE JESUS FREAK: Where do I start? Maybe with a quote from a bumper sticker I saw the other day. "I don't have a problem with God. It's his fan club I can't stand." I am a Christian, but I try not to beat people over the head with it or annoy them to the point that they want to run away from me when they see me coming. I'm not ashamed of my faith, but sometimes it turns people away from God when you harp on it too much. So, it really irks me when the Jesus Freak gets going on a tirade on Facebook. I just love it when they talk tirelessly about what a great Christian they are and if you don't agree with everything that their preacher/rabbi/Sunday school teacher says, then you are going to Hell. No exceptions. Um, let's let the big guy be the judge of that, mkay? Go ahead and post your favorite scripture and uplifting messages. I'm all for it. Just be nice and don't try to convince every person on your friend list that you are perfect and we'll get along just fine.

5. THE GAMER: Also referred to as "the pusher". If I wanted to play Word Candy Pictionary I would. Please don't ask me over and over again. As it is, my poor little iPhone 3S is tired because between the 3 kids and myself, we have maxed out the memory so that it runs only slightly faster than my old dial-up connection from 1998. Also, if I get addicted to another game my husband may have to institutionalize me.

6. THE CHEF: This is the friend who posts 400 recipes a day. I'm hungry enough without seeing all this delicious, fattening, food on my FB! Quit it! Buy a cookbook. Then you can post as your status update, "Yum! I just bought a great cookbook." The end.

7. THE HATER: This person is never happy. Never. Don't try to convince them otherwise. They.will.delete.you. My favorite is when they post a very strong opinion about something and then refuse to let people comment. "Pork chops are the worst kind of chops ever! They suck and I will never, ever eat them. If you don't agree with this post, then don't bother commenting because I will delete it. This is my Facebook and I can post whatever I want." Oh, get over yourself. When you post something, you are opening yourself to other opinions and much ridicule. If you take FB this seriously, you may need to rethink some things about your life.

Disclaimer: I have, at one point or another, been guilty of each and every one of these. And you have too probably. But don't disagree with me. This is my blog and I can post what I want. :)