Wednesday, February 29, 2012

You learn something new every day.

I'm pretty sure that being home with my kids all day actually lowers my real IQ, but I do learn new things almost every day. Nothing that looks good on a resume, mind you, but things I never knew before. Such as:

It doesn't matter how much or how little water you put in the tub, the amount on the floor at the end of bath time will be triple the amount that was in the tub.

Your child will choose to say the F-word for the first time in front of one of four people: his teacher, his grandmother, his Sunday school leader, or the dreaded "perfect mommy".

You can stand your child in the middle of the city dump to peel his boiled egg, but you will still end up with eggshell on your floor. Also, when trying to vacuum said eggshell, your vacuum will not suck up the shells. It will only process them into millions of tiny bits and then shoot them out the back of the vacuum. Just get the broom and save yourself the time and curse words.

No one will spill anything on your floor until the exact moment that you have put the mop away.

No matter how many cute little outfits you buy for your children, they will still look like Little Orphan Annie meets Nine Inch Nails when they come up the stairs in the morning.

Your children's teachers will be shocked to hear how they behave at home. At least you will know that they are being good in public even if they act like demon spawn the second their feet hit your home's threshold.

You will call to thank your own parents for putting up with you many times after you have your own children.

Your son will wear 4 different outfits every day while at home, but as soon as you go into public there will be nudity involved because little boys think they have to pull their pants to their knees when they decide to pee on the sidewalk. During rush hour. Or on a Saturday afternoon at the zoo.

When your house is clean (rare) no one will come over. When your house looks like a tsunami swept through and you are in your pajamas with no bra and your hair is standing on end and your child has written all over themselves with permanent marker and you haven't had enough coffee to be ready for company yet--that's when all the neighbors will decide to drop by for a visit.