I say this because he has got to be one of the MOST. INATTENTIVE. DRIVERS. EVER. I would have already met my end in a fiery ball of twisted metal if I drove like he does. I told him yesterday that God must have some very special plans for him! Seriously, I'm not saying this just because I am a seriously nervous passenger. It would be funny if it weren't so life threatening. Yesterday for instance, he's talking, talking, talking, and I'm thinking "should have turned there". "or there". "I guess he's going to the next light". "nope". "maybe the next". "where's he going?" See, he's not paying attention because he's talking to me. And he's driving about 10 miles an hour. Because he's talking. See a pattern? Then, at the last possible second he realizes that he needs to turn here and whips over into the next lane without even looking. Luckily that time there was not a car already occupying that lane. So, he's sitting halfway in the turn lane and halfway in the other lane. Then, the light turns green and he starts turning. Except he's drifting into the other turn lane like the little dotted lines are there for his amusement only. He just does not pay attention. It drives me insane! Especially because this man drives pretty much all day long for his job. One snowy winter day-I'm not making this up-I was talking to him on the phone and he says to me in a calm voice, "Oh, hang on a second. I'm sliding sideways into oncoming traffic." And he sets the phone down slowly. I'm panicking from the safety of my warm house thinking I'm about to hear my husband crash and possibly be seriously injured over the phone. I don't hear a thing. And then, "Okay, I'm back. What was I saying?" WHAT??!! Just one cotton-picking minute, Mister! What just happened? This is what he would have heard had the situation be reversed, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..." I'm not doubting his skills, because obviously he can handle when things go sideways (literally), but why was he in that situation to begin with? I repeat-not paying attention. But I'm usually not allowed to say anything lest we hurt his manly driving feelings. Forget about the safety of the children. We should be more concerned about the safety of his ego. Except for yesterday when he hit the curb. I HAD to make fun of him for that.
Now, I admit that I'm not the most, um, agreeable passenger. I get extremely nervous over there on the right, especially if it's raining or snowing. I can't watch the road or I would give myself ulcers. And most of you know that I'm usually not the kind of person who stresses or worries. At the level of flakiness that I have achieved, I forget to be angry or worried. I move on. I'm not saying it's a good thing, just how it is. It really annoys me when I'm trying to be mad at Vince and really show him how mad I am. I make all these plans like I'm not gonna talk to him or serve him his supper. Then by the time he gets home I've forgotten that I was gonna be angry! ARRGH!! Later on I'll remember, but by then it's too late. I've already been nice to him. Dangit! Anyway, I got off the subject. So, if I don't look at the road I can take my mind off of the fact that the conditions are terrible and I'm not in control of my fate and not stress out too much. Viola! It's probably a really good thing that he has had all that driving training because without it I think I might be telling a different story.
Anyway, I have two extra kids today and they are all hungry so I supposed I should go cook some lunch. The trick is finding something that they will all eat. Macaroni and cheese to the rescue!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Is it lazy parenting or...
letting the kids be independent? We started a discussion at the park about this because I have been thinking about it lately. I didn't see Sam on the playground anywhere, so I went to find him. Instead of searching every nook and cranny, I just stood there and yelled his name. He said "what?" so I knew he was okay and I went back to sit down and chat with my friends. So, I asked them what they thought. My friend Michelle brought up a good point. She said that she doesn't think it's lazy at all because she spends LOTS of time with them by herself and doing things with them. On the days when they join friends at the park, there's nothing wrong with sitting down for a chat while the kids play together. As long as you're not completely neglecting them and letting them run off. Good point! I've really been having this debate in my head for a while now because I am, by nature, kind of a lazy person. I like to sleep late, some days I don't want to do anything but sit around, and I really dislike being asked 400 times during the day to get up or stop what I'm doing to do things for my kids. I know, that's what parenting is all about, right? Contrary to what Audrey may tell you, I do help them during the day, especially Sam because he's such a mess. But Audrey and Katie are at an age where they can do for themselves and even do for others. Why not use that to my advantage? I yell from my seat in front of the computer, "Audrey, what is your brother doing?" when I can't hear him. I hear her sigh and grumble mostly to herself, "Why do I have to do EVERYTHING?" I think it's smart. I get to have little breaks once in a while and my kids learn how to be a bit more independent.
Sam and Audrey both got haircuts the other day. Sam looks so grown up! He looks more like a little boy and less like a baby. Guess it was bound to happen. It always seems like 2 is the magic age when babies change into little kids. And the girls got hair flair put in. It's cute. It's little glittery strands that they stylist ties into their hair. People are always asking us about it. The girls love it. Aud's hair looks a lot better too. Her hair is too thin to be very long. It looks too scraggly. Is that a word? It's just everywhere and it drives me crazy. So, she got a bob and it definitely looks better than it did. This picture of her was taken before she got it cut. I'll have to take another, but this shows her hair flair anyway.
My kids have been talking a lot lately about old people. Anyone over the age of 12 is old apparently. Our neigbors were cleaning up their RV for the summer and Audrey made a comment about old people always cleaning. Then, when we went to Oklahoma and were staying at Grandma and Grandpa's house, there was a discussion about retreiving a lost bathing suit that had accidentally been tossed into a hole in the wall. Audrey asked why they couldn't just reach down there and get it. I told her that it was too far down, so Grandpa had to take the wall apart to get to it. She says, "Yeah, old people have short arms, don't they?" Then a few days later when we saw an old wooden horse-drawn wagon, I pointed and said, "Look at that old wagon." Audrey replied, "Yeah, that's really old. Like from 1995." Last week we had some of Vince's cousins visiting. After they left, Katie asked me why "those old people had to leave". I swear. It would be funny if it weren't so insulting!
Well, I need to get Audrey to a birthday party. It starts in a bit and I have no idea where this place is, so I better start early. I would make her walk and find her own way so I don't have to get up, but it's raining and I would feel bad.
Sam and Audrey both got haircuts the other day. Sam looks so grown up! He looks more like a little boy and less like a baby. Guess it was bound to happen. It always seems like 2 is the magic age when babies change into little kids. And the girls got hair flair put in. It's cute. It's little glittery strands that they stylist ties into their hair. People are always asking us about it. The girls love it. Aud's hair looks a lot better too. Her hair is too thin to be very long. It looks too scraggly. Is that a word? It's just everywhere and it drives me crazy. So, she got a bob and it definitely looks better than it did. This picture of her was taken before she got it cut. I'll have to take another, but this shows her hair flair anyway.
My kids have been talking a lot lately about old people. Anyone over the age of 12 is old apparently. Our neigbors were cleaning up their RV for the summer and Audrey made a comment about old people always cleaning. Then, when we went to Oklahoma and were staying at Grandma and Grandpa's house, there was a discussion about retreiving a lost bathing suit that had accidentally been tossed into a hole in the wall. Audrey asked why they couldn't just reach down there and get it. I told her that it was too far down, so Grandpa had to take the wall apart to get to it. She says, "Yeah, old people have short arms, don't they?" Then a few days later when we saw an old wooden horse-drawn wagon, I pointed and said, "Look at that old wagon." Audrey replied, "Yeah, that's really old. Like from 1995." Last week we had some of Vince's cousins visiting. After they left, Katie asked me why "those old people had to leave". I swear. It would be funny if it weren't so insulting!
Well, I need to get Audrey to a birthday party. It starts in a bit and I have no idea where this place is, so I better start early. I would make her walk and find her own way so I don't have to get up, but it's raining and I would feel bad.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Fun with Nana
My mom was in town last week. She came up to run the half marathon with me. We went up Saturday to pick up our packets and get some last minute race info. Then Sunday morning came REALLY early since we had to get up at 4:30 to get up to Deadwood in time to catch the bus to the start line. I kept telling people I had to catch the bus for the finish line and everyone would look at me funny and say that was their kind of race! I finally figured out what I was saying. Took me a while! The buses started leaving at 6:15. So, basically we waited at the start line for an hour since the race didn't actually begin until 8. What a great day! It was fabulous weather. Cloudy and cool with no rain. The trail was beautiful. Mom and I kept stopping to take pictures. Obviously we weren't that worried about time. We ran most of it and walked just a bit, especially at first. The first 3 miles were uphill and Mom isn't used to the altitude. But I don't care. I was just concerned with finishing. We ran together for most of it, but at about mile 10 we separated. My knees and ankles were hurting and I had to run. It hurt worse to walk. So, I finished a few minutes ahead of her. I really wanted to come across the finish together, but it was still wonderful to have that experience with her. Boy, did I bawl like a baby at the finish line. I could feel the tears and I was trying to hold them back, but I couldn't. The pictures are hysterical! My face is all contorted. The director of the race, Jerry, gave me a huge hug at the finish. LOL! I'm sure this surprises no one who knows me very well. I'm an emotional mess most of the time. Needless to say, I will not be purchasing a photo. I don't need extra reminders of what a big baby I am. I was definitely sore for a few days after the race, but not really muscle soreness. It was mostly in my joints. It was a lot of fun and I'm ready to sign up for the next one.
Here's something I discovered during the race that never occurred to me before. Marathons can be pretty disgusting. This is going to be too much information, so if you're squeamish I suggest you skip this paragraph. I don't know about anyone else, but before I run I gotta, ahem, clear out the colon. And at some point during a long run too. There is no sink to wash up in afterward when you're out in the middle of nowhere. And I didn't carry hand sanitizer. Then, you get to the aid stations and there they are holding your cup with their finger in it and you drink it anyway. And there we are grabbing with our bare hands orange slices from a big bowl and M&M's straight from the bag. Then there are all the people lined up to give you high-fives and such. Yuck! I shudder just thinking about it. Moving on--
On Tuesday Vince and I left the kids with my mom and went to Deadwood for a night. It was supposed to be a surprise for him, but I had to tell him a month ago because of his work schedule. Whatever. We stayed at the Bullock, which was nice. We got a non-haunted room. Thank you, Jesus! I would never have gotten to sleep. As it was, I didn't sleep well because every time I woke up I would scan the room for anything amiss. Vince? Snoring like a freight train. We had a good time. We just ate and drank ourselves silly and played Blackjack until we lost all our money. Good times. We took the motorcycle, which was fine on the way up there. On the way home, not so much. The back seat on that thing is not really made for passengers. My rear was already sore from the ride up and around town. Then I had to get back on there and ride home for an hour?! Ouch. At one point I was standing on the pegs to give my tush some relief. We spent the rest of the week showing Mom around the area. We went to get pedicures, took her to Old MacDonald's Farm and the winery, then to eat in Hill City. We drove around Mt. Rushmore-again-and also took her to Storybook Island. It was a good week. I was sad to see her go. I always cry when she leaves. See how pathetic I am? I'm especially sad because she kept doing my dishes for me. It was nice to be able to see the counters for a while. Nothing lasts forever I guess. I'm kidding, Mom! Love you!
My son keeps getting crazier and crazier. He's gonna drive me nuts. Everything is a gun. I'm not kidding. String cheese, cups with a straw, clothes hangers, his finger, you name it, he will shoot it. Vince got a picture of him the other day riding his new motorcycle with a toy gun shoved in the front of his diaper. We're in trouble. After lunch in a restaurant one day, the waitress said, "He's busy isn't he?" Yes. While waiting for my mom at the airport there was an older couple in the waiting area also. The lady asked how old Sam was and we talked about kids for a minute. Then she said, "He's loud, huh? Hey, Sam, do you have an inside voice?" No. He's either on or off. No dimmer switch. They moved to another waiting area. It's gotten to the point that I don't want to take him in public. He's embarrassing. He's all over the place and screaming and I have to chase him around giving him orders that he's not listening to. Makes me feel like a worse Mom than I already am. He got into trouble at the YMCA the other day for pinching and hitting kids. Please tell me he'll outgrow this stage soon.
Well, I should get off of here and at least make an attempt to clean up a little. The clutter is starting to take over. Also, my son just said the words "bubble gum" to me. That's bad. Very, very bad.
Here's something I discovered during the race that never occurred to me before. Marathons can be pretty disgusting. This is going to be too much information, so if you're squeamish I suggest you skip this paragraph. I don't know about anyone else, but before I run I gotta, ahem, clear out the colon. And at some point during a long run too. There is no sink to wash up in afterward when you're out in the middle of nowhere. And I didn't carry hand sanitizer. Then, you get to the aid stations and there they are holding your cup with their finger in it and you drink it anyway. And there we are grabbing with our bare hands orange slices from a big bowl and M&M's straight from the bag. Then there are all the people lined up to give you high-fives and such. Yuck! I shudder just thinking about it. Moving on--
On Tuesday Vince and I left the kids with my mom and went to Deadwood for a night. It was supposed to be a surprise for him, but I had to tell him a month ago because of his work schedule. Whatever. We stayed at the Bullock, which was nice. We got a non-haunted room. Thank you, Jesus! I would never have gotten to sleep. As it was, I didn't sleep well because every time I woke up I would scan the room for anything amiss. Vince? Snoring like a freight train. We had a good time. We just ate and drank ourselves silly and played Blackjack until we lost all our money. Good times. We took the motorcycle, which was fine on the way up there. On the way home, not so much. The back seat on that thing is not really made for passengers. My rear was already sore from the ride up and around town. Then I had to get back on there and ride home for an hour?! Ouch. At one point I was standing on the pegs to give my tush some relief. We spent the rest of the week showing Mom around the area. We went to get pedicures, took her to Old MacDonald's Farm and the winery, then to eat in Hill City. We drove around Mt. Rushmore-again-and also took her to Storybook Island. It was a good week. I was sad to see her go. I always cry when she leaves. See how pathetic I am? I'm especially sad because she kept doing my dishes for me. It was nice to be able to see the counters for a while. Nothing lasts forever I guess. I'm kidding, Mom! Love you!
My son keeps getting crazier and crazier. He's gonna drive me nuts. Everything is a gun. I'm not kidding. String cheese, cups with a straw, clothes hangers, his finger, you name it, he will shoot it. Vince got a picture of him the other day riding his new motorcycle with a toy gun shoved in the front of his diaper. We're in trouble. After lunch in a restaurant one day, the waitress said, "He's busy isn't he?" Yes. While waiting for my mom at the airport there was an older couple in the waiting area also. The lady asked how old Sam was and we talked about kids for a minute. Then she said, "He's loud, huh? Hey, Sam, do you have an inside voice?" No. He's either on or off. No dimmer switch. They moved to another waiting area. It's gotten to the point that I don't want to take him in public. He's embarrassing. He's all over the place and screaming and I have to chase him around giving him orders that he's not listening to. Makes me feel like a worse Mom than I already am. He got into trouble at the YMCA the other day for pinching and hitting kids. Please tell me he'll outgrow this stage soon.
Well, I should get off of here and at least make an attempt to clean up a little. The clutter is starting to take over. Also, my son just said the words "bubble gum" to me. That's bad. Very, very bad.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Things I have learned
Just some random thoughts. Been thinking a lot lately. I have been a little stressed and busy. The kids are stressful. No one said it was going to be easy, but I have learned some very valuable lessons, which is always good.
1. Having kids is hard!!
2. I am stronger than I thought I was.
3. I can survive by taking life one day at a time. If I can make it to the end of this day, I will be able to refresh before facing the next.
4. It's nice to have a clean house, but I never count on it staying that way!
5. If the house is dirty, does it really matter in the big picture?
6. My kids are the funniest people on the planet. And probably beyond.
7. One "family size" take-out meal does not feed this family. (A lesson my husband has yet to learn. One large pizza? Are you kidding me?)
8. NEVER take 3 children out by yourself. Ever. Unless you enjoy being a spectacle. And tantrums.
9. I will probably never watch an entire TV show or movie all the way through without 1,000 pauses and rewinds. And I will still never catch the whole thing.
10. I bet I have set some land speed records in potty time, showering, and eating.
11. The moment I became a mother I instantly grew eyes in the back of my head and extra-alert hearing. That's why my mom was always one step ahead of me!
12. I just THOUGHT I liked alone time.
13. My husband and I can carry on an entire conversation with facial expressions, pig latin, and spelling competitions.
14. The reason I can't lose the baby weight is because I always have a baby clinging to me! Oh, and because I can't let them leave food on their plates to go to waste.
15. Everything should be measured in toddler weight. Just like dog years. One toddler pound=10 normal pounds. My 30 pound toddler easily weighs at least 300 pounds after holding him for 5 seconds.
16. I definitely do not want 4 kids.
17. Now I'm the one laughing at these idealistic youngsters who say that they will never raise their kids the same way their parents did. Yeah, right. You will do the EXACT same things, good and bad.
18. My kids, the ones who were never going to be dirty or dressed in crappy clothes in public or throwing fits in the aisles of the store, are the ones with the green snot running down their faces mixing with yesterday's dirt and screaming bloody murder at the mall in their food-stained clothes that they pulled out of the hamper this morning.
19. I'm trying not to judge your parenting skills, so at least make an attempt to not judge me until I'm out of hearing range. Okay? You do what's best for you and your kids and I'll do the same for me and mine.
20. I WILL look back on these years with a smile on my face and love in my heart and wish that I could do it all over again. Only better.
1. Having kids is hard!!
2. I am stronger than I thought I was.
3. I can survive by taking life one day at a time. If I can make it to the end of this day, I will be able to refresh before facing the next.
4. It's nice to have a clean house, but I never count on it staying that way!
5. If the house is dirty, does it really matter in the big picture?
6. My kids are the funniest people on the planet. And probably beyond.
7. One "family size" take-out meal does not feed this family. (A lesson my husband has yet to learn. One large pizza? Are you kidding me?)
8. NEVER take 3 children out by yourself. Ever. Unless you enjoy being a spectacle. And tantrums.
9. I will probably never watch an entire TV show or movie all the way through without 1,000 pauses and rewinds. And I will still never catch the whole thing.
10. I bet I have set some land speed records in potty time, showering, and eating.
11. The moment I became a mother I instantly grew eyes in the back of my head and extra-alert hearing. That's why my mom was always one step ahead of me!
12. I just THOUGHT I liked alone time.
13. My husband and I can carry on an entire conversation with facial expressions, pig latin, and spelling competitions.
14. The reason I can't lose the baby weight is because I always have a baby clinging to me! Oh, and because I can't let them leave food on their plates to go to waste.
15. Everything should be measured in toddler weight. Just like dog years. One toddler pound=10 normal pounds. My 30 pound toddler easily weighs at least 300 pounds after holding him for 5 seconds.
16. I definitely do not want 4 kids.
17. Now I'm the one laughing at these idealistic youngsters who say that they will never raise their kids the same way their parents did. Yeah, right. You will do the EXACT same things, good and bad.
18. My kids, the ones who were never going to be dirty or dressed in crappy clothes in public or throwing fits in the aisles of the store, are the ones with the green snot running down their faces mixing with yesterday's dirt and screaming bloody murder at the mall in their food-stained clothes that they pulled out of the hamper this morning.
19. I'm trying not to judge your parenting skills, so at least make an attempt to not judge me until I'm out of hearing range. Okay? You do what's best for you and your kids and I'll do the same for me and mine.
20. I WILL look back on these years with a smile on my face and love in my heart and wish that I could do it all over again. Only better.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Nothing to say
Really. I know it's rare. But writing eludes me tonight. So, I'll just leave you with a couple of funnies courtesy of those crazy kids of mine.
When the earthquake hit Haiti, they started a collection at Audrey's school to send money and supplies to those affected. This week when a quake hit China Audrey says with a sigh, "Do I have to pay for them too?" We laughed at our little conservative and told her that while it would be nice to help however she could, it was her money and she could save it if she wanted to. She got up and started heading for her room to get her piggy bank. Vince told her that if she wanted to send some money, he would give her some. She relaxed a little after that. She really likes earning and spending her money. And she always gives a portion of it to others. It's nice to see her being giving.
Sam has been crazier than usual lately. Really. Vince was watching the stupid countdown to the NFL Draft. (As if the draft itself weren't boring enough we are forced to watch everyone predict how it's going to play out. Who cares what they predict?) Anyway, they were showing a portion of a game from last season and Sam starting yelling, "Go, go, go. Oooohh, man!" over and over. Is that really what we sound like? Then he picked up my little 2 pound dumbbells and started lifting them up and counting. Then he did some squats. I got a tiny video clip.
When the earthquake hit Haiti, they started a collection at Audrey's school to send money and supplies to those affected. This week when a quake hit China Audrey says with a sigh, "Do I have to pay for them too?" We laughed at our little conservative and told her that while it would be nice to help however she could, it was her money and she could save it if she wanted to. She got up and started heading for her room to get her piggy bank. Vince told her that if she wanted to send some money, he would give her some. She relaxed a little after that. She really likes earning and spending her money. And she always gives a portion of it to others. It's nice to see her being giving.
Sam has been crazier than usual lately. Really. Vince was watching the stupid countdown to the NFL Draft. (As if the draft itself weren't boring enough we are forced to watch everyone predict how it's going to play out. Who cares what they predict?) Anyway, they were showing a portion of a game from last season and Sam starting yelling, "Go, go, go. Oooohh, man!" over and over. Is that really what we sound like? Then he picked up my little 2 pound dumbbells and started lifting them up and counting. Then he did some squats. I got a tiny video clip.
Monday, March 29, 2010
A Woman's Guide to hiking in the Black Hills with kids
It seems that a little spring has arrived here in South Dakota. I say a little because we all know that April and May still bring snow each year. Last year we had 3 blizzards in 10 days at the beginning of May. Since it was nice for yesterday at least we decided to take the kiddos hiking in the forest close to our house. Here are some tips for preparing for and enjoying a hike with kids from the woman's perspective of course.
First, MAKE A DECISION! It will take at least 30 minutes to decide what area to head for. After much discussion, indecision and arguing finally come to a united decision. One that will work for everyone. Until you get in the car and the man changes his mind.
Second, get everyone dressed and ready for whatever the weather is going to throw at you. So, jeans and t-shirts to start with. Then also pack the hoodies, heavy coats and hats and gloves because you know that the temperature can drop by 1,000 degrees in 2 seconds in the hills. After you have gathered it all up, the argument about who is going to haul all this stuff can begin.
Then begins THE most important decision-making involved. Snacks. I personally like to pack at least 3 of everything. One for each of the kids. But when it comes to fruit, they all like different things. So, in goes the last banana and a couple of oranges. The apples continue to sit forlorn in the bowl waiting for the other more popular fruit to disappear. Good thing they keep longer. Also, some crackers and a bag of pretzels. And some string cheese. Oh, and there are only a few fruit loops left. Grab those. And I think I still have some raisins in my purse. That should cover us. We'll probably be gone less than 2 hours. Wait. Maybe some baby carrots. Those would be good too. And don't forget the water bottles. Since my husband actually drinks tap water, I make sure to pack some of the filtered variety for us more civilized folks. Enter another argument about who is going to carry all THIS stuff.
Now it's time to get in the car. While you were gathering the necessary provisions inside, your husband was busy packing his things. Which are, of course, mostly unimportant unless we somehow get lost within the 20 yards that we will end up venturing from the car or encounter a band of heavily armed rogue Boy Scouts. This movie quote from "The Incredibles" always pops into my head-"luck favors the prepared, dahling."
So, now you are on the road headed in the completely opposite direction of the route previously agreed upon (see step 1). Wow! There are lots of people out in the Black Hills when it gets warm. Great minds think alike I guess. So, this changes things. Mainly because husbands are anti-social and do not want to even catch a whiff of another hiker within 10 miles of where you will be. If you want to be alone while hiking, follow my lead. Get out the ginormous and completely confusing topo map of the forest. Stare at the map for at least 5 minutes before you realize that it's upside down. Yell at your husband to pay attention to the road instead of the map while he yells back that you are the worst map-reader in the history of the world. He's right. Pull over, hand over the map to someone more qualified. Sit and stew over your ineptitude, but secretly be grateful that you no longer have to scramble your brains looking at that ridiculous map. Finally find the teeniest, most treacherous road on the map and head that way. Be sure to have your 4-wheel drive ready because no road is too undriveable. Like my friend Jeff told us once as we were driving over boulders bigger than my house in a dark canyon in Southern Arizona-- never buy a used car from us. Scrape your way uphill only to realize that someone else has the same topo map. Turn around by inches and scrape your way back down the hill and make your way to the next most treacherous road on the map. Whew! No one there.
The next step is to unload everyone out of the car including the children who are, by now, asleep. Then it's off to find a spot for everyone to pee. It never fails that as soon as you get to the middle of nowhere, farther from a bathroom than you have ever been, someone has to pee. Or, um, something else. Scare away any spiders or other creepy-crawlies because the girls will refuse to squat anywhere near where a spider has ever crawled. While you are doing that your husband will be getting his pack ready. Unfortunately he will pack everything he brought along and "forget" to pack the carefully selected snacks, hats, gloves, and other necessities.
Finally you are on your way! For about 10 seconds. This is when the whining begins. "How far do we have to walk?" "I'm tired." " Can you carry me?" These are the ONLY wonderful sounds of nature that you will hear because the kids' noise will have scared away any wildlife that you may have encountered. They will not understand of course and will drive you mad with faux sightings of everything from birds to giant man-eating bears. Ah, bears. That brings us to another important point. There are no bears in the Black Hills. Although, according to one of my daughters, whose nickname is coincidentally Katie-Bear, God told her that there were lots of bears in this forest and they are apparently just waiting to rip off your face. Take it or leave it. She's 4. Continue along at a glacial pace with the children trailing 1/4 of a mile behind wailing that their legs are too tired to walk anymore. Really? I can still see the car from here. As you make your way along the trail, try to take in the fresh air as deeply as possible while you can still breathe normally. Because in a couple of minutes, this trail is going to lead directly up the largest "hill" you have ever seen. Your pack mule, I mean, husband will be so far ahead of you and the children that you will not be able to scream to him that you are ready to turn around. And so, dragging the children, you will finally reach the top of the "hill" where your husband has already found a nice spot to sit. On a log. On a cliff. As you scramble to determine a boundary that your kids can absolutely, positively not cross or they will be in serious trouble, missy!, your husband will have unpacked the most valuable item in his possession. The BB gun. Much squealing will ensue. While you try to keep the 2 year old demon-child from flinging himself off of the cliff, your lovely husband will be the BEST DADDY IN THE WORLD!! The bag of BB's exhausted, the children will reluctantly agree to leave the edge of the world and head back to the car. Except they want to be carried. Ignore the whining and pleading for a while until your ears begin to bleed. Then, give in and carry them the rest of the way. Which is pretty much all the way. At least it's downhill. Someone will suggest a game of "I Spy" to which you will reply, "That's a great idea!" Then, looking around at the forest you will realize that it's not such a great idea because there is really nothing to spy. After a rousing 5-minute-long game of "I Spy" where every answer was "is it a tree?" one or more kids will again have to use the bathroom. The trip back to the car fortunately does not take as long as the trip up because you are carrying the children and moving slightly faster than a snail's pace. When you reach the car everyone will be clamoring for a snack so you will slowly and clearly recite the menu at least 75 times until decisions have been reached. After you repeat that there are no candy bars for the 100th time, understanding will begin to dawn. Of course, since there is only one banana, all the kids will want a banana. Heaven forbid you try to break the thing into 3 pieces because then NO ONE will want it. Settled in with their inferior snacks, the kids will watch as you eat the banana. Ha! Then you can be on the road again.
When you get home, your entire family will be starving to death! Really. They've never been this hungry before. They will eat anything. Anything! So, being the great mother that you are, you will slave away in the kitchen for at least 10 minutes making a microwave dinner for them that they will absolutely never eat in a million gazillion years. Then, as your husband settles into the couch to watch the countdown to the NFL draft (oooooh, exciting!) you will run the bath for the kids, undress them and physically place them in the tub while they scream, then do the dishes, unpack the hiking stuff, pick up the house, wash the kid's hair, dry them, clean the toys from the tub, get them lotioned up and in their jammies, put into bed and books read, and throw some laundry in the washer. Then you might get to sit down for a couple of seconds before one of the kids needs another kiss or drink. Oh, what a nice relaxing day with the family! Don't you just LOOOVE hiking?
First, MAKE A DECISION! It will take at least 30 minutes to decide what area to head for. After much discussion, indecision and arguing finally come to a united decision. One that will work for everyone. Until you get in the car and the man changes his mind.
Second, get everyone dressed and ready for whatever the weather is going to throw at you. So, jeans and t-shirts to start with. Then also pack the hoodies, heavy coats and hats and gloves because you know that the temperature can drop by 1,000 degrees in 2 seconds in the hills. After you have gathered it all up, the argument about who is going to haul all this stuff can begin.
Then begins THE most important decision-making involved. Snacks. I personally like to pack at least 3 of everything. One for each of the kids. But when it comes to fruit, they all like different things. So, in goes the last banana and a couple of oranges. The apples continue to sit forlorn in the bowl waiting for the other more popular fruit to disappear. Good thing they keep longer. Also, some crackers and a bag of pretzels. And some string cheese. Oh, and there are only a few fruit loops left. Grab those. And I think I still have some raisins in my purse. That should cover us. We'll probably be gone less than 2 hours. Wait. Maybe some baby carrots. Those would be good too. And don't forget the water bottles. Since my husband actually drinks tap water, I make sure to pack some of the filtered variety for us more civilized folks. Enter another argument about who is going to carry all THIS stuff.
Now it's time to get in the car. While you were gathering the necessary provisions inside, your husband was busy packing his things. Which are, of course, mostly unimportant unless we somehow get lost within the 20 yards that we will end up venturing from the car or encounter a band of heavily armed rogue Boy Scouts. This movie quote from "The Incredibles" always pops into my head-"luck favors the prepared, dahling."
So, now you are on the road headed in the completely opposite direction of the route previously agreed upon (see step 1). Wow! There are lots of people out in the Black Hills when it gets warm. Great minds think alike I guess. So, this changes things. Mainly because husbands are anti-social and do not want to even catch a whiff of another hiker within 10 miles of where you will be. If you want to be alone while hiking, follow my lead. Get out the ginormous and completely confusing topo map of the forest. Stare at the map for at least 5 minutes before you realize that it's upside down. Yell at your husband to pay attention to the road instead of the map while he yells back that you are the worst map-reader in the history of the world. He's right. Pull over, hand over the map to someone more qualified. Sit and stew over your ineptitude, but secretly be grateful that you no longer have to scramble your brains looking at that ridiculous map. Finally find the teeniest, most treacherous road on the map and head that way. Be sure to have your 4-wheel drive ready because no road is too undriveable. Like my friend Jeff told us once as we were driving over boulders bigger than my house in a dark canyon in Southern Arizona-- never buy a used car from us. Scrape your way uphill only to realize that someone else has the same topo map. Turn around by inches and scrape your way back down the hill and make your way to the next most treacherous road on the map. Whew! No one there.
The next step is to unload everyone out of the car including the children who are, by now, asleep. Then it's off to find a spot for everyone to pee. It never fails that as soon as you get to the middle of nowhere, farther from a bathroom than you have ever been, someone has to pee. Or, um, something else. Scare away any spiders or other creepy-crawlies because the girls will refuse to squat anywhere near where a spider has ever crawled. While you are doing that your husband will be getting his pack ready. Unfortunately he will pack everything he brought along and "forget" to pack the carefully selected snacks, hats, gloves, and other necessities.
Finally you are on your way! For about 10 seconds. This is when the whining begins. "How far do we have to walk?" "I'm tired." " Can you carry me?" These are the ONLY wonderful sounds of nature that you will hear because the kids' noise will have scared away any wildlife that you may have encountered. They will not understand of course and will drive you mad with faux sightings of everything from birds to giant man-eating bears. Ah, bears. That brings us to another important point. There are no bears in the Black Hills. Although, according to one of my daughters, whose nickname is coincidentally Katie-Bear, God told her that there were lots of bears in this forest and they are apparently just waiting to rip off your face. Take it or leave it. She's 4. Continue along at a glacial pace with the children trailing 1/4 of a mile behind wailing that their legs are too tired to walk anymore. Really? I can still see the car from here. As you make your way along the trail, try to take in the fresh air as deeply as possible while you can still breathe normally. Because in a couple of minutes, this trail is going to lead directly up the largest "hill" you have ever seen. Your pack mule, I mean, husband will be so far ahead of you and the children that you will not be able to scream to him that you are ready to turn around. And so, dragging the children, you will finally reach the top of the "hill" where your husband has already found a nice spot to sit. On a log. On a cliff. As you scramble to determine a boundary that your kids can absolutely, positively not cross or they will be in serious trouble, missy!, your husband will have unpacked the most valuable item in his possession. The BB gun. Much squealing will ensue. While you try to keep the 2 year old demon-child from flinging himself off of the cliff, your lovely husband will be the BEST DADDY IN THE WORLD!! The bag of BB's exhausted, the children will reluctantly agree to leave the edge of the world and head back to the car. Except they want to be carried. Ignore the whining and pleading for a while until your ears begin to bleed. Then, give in and carry them the rest of the way. Which is pretty much all the way. At least it's downhill. Someone will suggest a game of "I Spy" to which you will reply, "That's a great idea!" Then, looking around at the forest you will realize that it's not such a great idea because there is really nothing to spy. After a rousing 5-minute-long game of "I Spy" where every answer was "is it a tree?" one or more kids will again have to use the bathroom. The trip back to the car fortunately does not take as long as the trip up because you are carrying the children and moving slightly faster than a snail's pace. When you reach the car everyone will be clamoring for a snack so you will slowly and clearly recite the menu at least 75 times until decisions have been reached. After you repeat that there are no candy bars for the 100th time, understanding will begin to dawn. Of course, since there is only one banana, all the kids will want a banana. Heaven forbid you try to break the thing into 3 pieces because then NO ONE will want it. Settled in with their inferior snacks, the kids will watch as you eat the banana. Ha! Then you can be on the road again.
When you get home, your entire family will be starving to death! Really. They've never been this hungry before. They will eat anything. Anything! So, being the great mother that you are, you will slave away in the kitchen for at least 10 minutes making a microwave dinner for them that they will absolutely never eat in a million gazillion years. Then, as your husband settles into the couch to watch the countdown to the NFL draft (oooooh, exciting!) you will run the bath for the kids, undress them and physically place them in the tub while they scream, then do the dishes, unpack the hiking stuff, pick up the house, wash the kid's hair, dry them, clean the toys from the tub, get them lotioned up and in their jammies, put into bed and books read, and throw some laundry in the washer. Then you might get to sit down for a couple of seconds before one of the kids needs another kiss or drink. Oh, what a nice relaxing day with the family! Don't you just LOOOVE hiking?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Nap time
I really need to be napping instead of blogging, but I know that if I sleep right now I probably won't sleep well tonight. I have just been sooo tired lately. It probably has something to do with our schedule of late. We have been going and going for the past couple of weeks. We had 3 birthday parties in a week, school, church, AWANA, YMCA, play dates, carpet cleanings, swim lessons and MOPS just to name a few. And you know that doesn't include all the normal running around for errands and such. Plus, I started training for the half-marathon. Audrey has come down with a nasty cold and neither of us slept well last night for all the coughing and sneezing so she stayed home from school and I couldn't go into the Y to work either. So, I decided this would be a good day of rest for all of us. We could all use it. I got Sam down for his nap. Now I just have to get the girls down too. At least for some quiet time. They don't want to nap, of course. I don't know why things have gotten crazy lately. I guess we just had a few extra things thrown at us. I'm ready to slow back down though! I don't really have much to report but I felt bad that I hadn't posted anything in a while, so maybe just a couple of funnies from the kids.
Katie tells us all the time that God talks to her. She and Audrey argue about it. Audrey tells her that God does not talk to her and Katie insists that He does. Like the day that Audrey wanted to go to Burger King for lunch and we told her no. She pouted. Katie told her, "Audrey, God told me that Burger King isn't even open today." LOL! As if God doesn't have better things to talk about.
Then today, Katie and Audrey were playing and chasing Sam around. I guess Sam got tired of it and decided to fight back so Katie told Audrey that she could teach her some moves because she knows Kung Fu and Chinese. I just about burst! So, let that be a warning to you not to piss her off! Or me. I'll have her show me some of her moves.
Sam has been sitting on the potty with his clothes on but every time I take his diaper off, he freaks out. He even says, "Mama, potty." Well, today I was in the bathroom and he kept telling me "potty" so I sat him on the little potty. I asked him if he wanted to take his diaper off and he said yes, so I did. He sat back down and I showed him how to hold his little thingy down. He grunted for a minute, but nothing. He left for a second and came back and sat back down. He grunted, but nothing. I left to answer the phone and he came out a couple of minutes later saying, "See, Mama. Poop. See Mama. Poop." (poop means any kind of bodily function) I went into the hall and sure enough he had peed. Once on the bathroom floor, once on the hall carpet and once by the kitchen entry. Ugh! Why? This was after the boy had already colored all over his hands and arms with permanent markers. "See Mama. Hands." He was so proud! One of us will not survive his childhood. And I always thought Audrey was my difficult child.
Katie tells us all the time that God talks to her. She and Audrey argue about it. Audrey tells her that God does not talk to her and Katie insists that He does. Like the day that Audrey wanted to go to Burger King for lunch and we told her no. She pouted. Katie told her, "Audrey, God told me that Burger King isn't even open today." LOL! As if God doesn't have better things to talk about.
Then today, Katie and Audrey were playing and chasing Sam around. I guess Sam got tired of it and decided to fight back so Katie told Audrey that she could teach her some moves because she knows Kung Fu and Chinese. I just about burst! So, let that be a warning to you not to piss her off! Or me. I'll have her show me some of her moves.
Sam has been sitting on the potty with his clothes on but every time I take his diaper off, he freaks out. He even says, "Mama, potty." Well, today I was in the bathroom and he kept telling me "potty" so I sat him on the little potty. I asked him if he wanted to take his diaper off and he said yes, so I did. He sat back down and I showed him how to hold his little thingy down. He grunted for a minute, but nothing. He left for a second and came back and sat back down. He grunted, but nothing. I left to answer the phone and he came out a couple of minutes later saying, "See, Mama. Poop. See Mama. Poop." (poop means any kind of bodily function) I went into the hall and sure enough he had peed. Once on the bathroom floor, once on the hall carpet and once by the kitchen entry. Ugh! Why? This was after the boy had already colored all over his hands and arms with permanent markers. "See Mama. Hands." He was so proud! One of us will not survive his childhood. And I always thought Audrey was my difficult child.
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